


throw it my way (all the love you keep)

by amako



Category: Naruto
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Femslash February, Hokage Haruno Sakura, I'm not kidding, M/M, Politics, Post-Fourth Shinobi War, Very seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 04:52:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17636297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amako/pseuds/amako
Summary: The crux of the matter is: they don't have a Hokage, the one that could be Hokage is sharing a Moment with his soulmate or whatever, and when asked to take the mantle again, Tsunade had broken a few bones. Not hers, obviously.





	throw it my way (all the love you keep)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mouseymightymarvellous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mouseymightymarvellous/gifts), [theformerone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theformerone/gifts).



> Look, I'm having fun ok. Shut up.
> 
> Gifted to the two people I can shit post with about Naruto every day and never get bored of it. Here's to hoping I'll get a laugh out of you with that one.

After the war, it goes something like this:

Naruto and Sasuke are both in the hospital, in a coma as deep as their damned bond, while their body get used to being three-limbed and Tsunade figures a way to attach a prosthetic to the two assholes (her words).

Kakashi just faced his ex-best friend, ex-teammate, ex-guilt trip all at once, while suffering from a truly spectacular number of internal injuries, and Gai had ordered (from his bed where he still can't move and can barely open his mouth) that they both recover together in the same hospital room and _need I remind you that I faced Uchiha Madara alone, nurse-san?_

That calmed a lot of protests.

The crux of the matter is: they don't have a Hokage, the one that could be Hokage is sharing a Moment with his soulmate or whatever, and when asked to take the mantle again, Tsunade had broken a few bones. Not hers, obviously.

For the first time since the Shodaime, Konoha is left without a Hokage, and without a suggestion from the previous one (who is busy staring into Gai's night-sky eyes and has been known to repeatedly tell anyone to fuck off if they came to disturb their rest) as to whom should replace him.

Fortunately, the Nidaime was, all Uchiha-hatred aside, a very competent leader. He made sure to write down precisely what should happen in precisely that case.

It goes something like this:

The Clan Heads of every noble, major and minor clan each have two votes, one personal and one gathered from the majority voted by their kinsmen. The ANBU Commander, Jōnin Commander, and heads of every major institution in the village have one as well. That includes T&I, Konoha Central, the Academy, the Public Library, and about twelve more. And finally, the civilian population can vote for any member of the shinobi force, their vote accounting for twenty percent of the final decision, and same goes for the shinobi force, though they can't vote for themselves.

And all of that, once every vote has been accounted for, is how the law states you should elect a new Hokage.

Of course, the scale of the event is massive. Despite the war losses, Konoha still comes second in terms of largest Hidden Village, behind Kumo only by a very small margin. That means finding places in each district where the election can be held, using the war casualty head count to figure out just how many people can and should vote (because the vote is mandatory), deciding at what age someone is considered able to vote (fifteen for civilians, genin rank for shinobi, thirteen with permission for clan children), fixing a date to corral everyone into the shops, book stores, jōnin station, training grounds, and every other random place that has been elected to hold... the election.

And when all that is done, well. They vote.

In every place is a list of all the people who made it clear they would _not_ accept being named Hokage. It's surprisingly long, considering the power that some would want to get from the position. Long enough, in fact, that it goes on multiple pages, sorted by number of kanji strokes.

That doesn't stop some from voting for people listed, as tellers realize when they start counting votes.

It takes a few days to count everything in each district, then add everything up in a designated room of the Hokage Tower. Finally, the tellers take a step back from their work, make a collective _huh_ of puzzlement, then they all start to panic.

Because, you see, that's the Konoha Luck right there. That's why their village gets fucked over the most, no matter what, and why every global disaster came from one of their own shinobi's fucked up personality.

And the Konoha Luck means they have an exact match of votes for two people. Because of course they have.

Once everyone has calmed down enough to make a semblance of decision, it goes something like this:

The two Hokage candidates are contacted, shoved into a room together and left to figure it out.

(That's not the Konoha Luck, that's the Konoha-refuses-to-be-accountable-for-their-mistakes. No one talks about that one, it stinks a little too much for comfort.)

That's how Inuzuka Tsume, Clan Head of Clan Inuzuka ends up sitting next to Haruno Sakura of Clan Haruno, Head of Konoha Central and Councillor to the Rokudaime.

 

“Well, this is awkward.”

 

Sakura, pale and vaguely shaking, can only nod her approval.

 

“Look, Haruno-sensei, I respect you. What you've done in the war saved countless lives, including my clansmen. And that move you pulled, punching the godly bitch? Yeah, no wonder they call you Titan.” Tsume snorts, crossing her ankle over her knee in a relaxed pose Sakura wishes she could mirror. “Hell, I voted for you. 'm not surprised you're here, though I'd like to get my hands on the dumbasses who thought electing me was a good idea.”

Sakura frowns. “You know that's not true. I have no problems seeing why anyone would think of you as a descent candidate. You were my second choice, but Yoshino-san was a good choice too and I wanted Shikamaru to get her job as Commander once she was elected.”

“Descent choice, too,” Tsume agrees. “Alright, what do we do? We can't just stay here until the problem goes away. I'm not Hatake, for once, and I like to get shit done.”

Sakura grins. “I was his councillor, don't you think I'm well aware of that?”

“I bet,” Tsume laughs in a deep, loud voice.

 

Sakura crosses her arms, taking in the woman in front of her. She's tall, though not as tall as Sakura, but that's not a fair comparison. The training with Tsunade and the constant stream of chakra coming from her newly reformed forehead seal had an interesting effect on her body, and after countless hours spent yelling at her bones to stop hurting and muscles to stop aching, the end result is a ridiculous height for a woman with her genes. She is taller than _Sasuke_ , though by only a centimetre. It's ridiculous.

From what she's heard from Kiba, and Hana when Sakura and her work together in the labs, Tsume is a formidable woman. A lot of people seem to agree, given that they're In the same room right now.

 

“Here's what I think,” she finally says. “Electing a Hokage is a first, and it went relatively well, all things considered. Why not create another precedent? It's not touched upon much in the books, but everyone with half a brain knows Madara was just as much Hokage as Hashirama was.”

“I don't like where this is going.”

“I don't see why not, Tsume-san. It's not a bad idea, and I do think it would work well. Plus, that's half the work for you if I'm here as well.”

“I could just refuse.”

“So could I, and where would that leave us? Konoha voted, Tsume-san, and they voted for us. I'm not about to tell them I think the collective opinion of every single one of them matters less than mine.”

 

Tsume glares at her, but her arms aren't crossed and she's facing Sakura. Inuzuka are big on body language, and Sakura learned a thing or two about it during her training. Tsume is only pretending to dislike the idea, if Sakura guesses because she doesn't want to be in the spotlight. It's why the Inuzuka aren't a very popular clan despite their sunny, honest personality and their truly impressive combat skills.

 

“Fine! Fine, let's go tell them that. That's what they got for shoving the problem at us and running away like civilians facing Wave-nin.”

 

Sakura smiles and follows Tsume out of the room. There's a small gathering waiting for them, looking both terrified and hopeful, which makes for an interesting combination. They're not ready for what's coming their way.

It does, after all, go something like this:

Tsume yells at them until they think they're the ones who came up with the joint-leadership, not Sakura and Tsume. They're both given Hokage matching robes and hat, they come out on top of the Tower and all the people at the bottom cheer their heart out. All in all, it looks like everything went pretty well.

Then Sakura and Tsume are faced with the very real reality that they are, in fact, in charge of a whole village now. And that's when they panic, try to shove the responsibility at the other and get insanely drunk in the Office (in that order).

Tsunade is laughing her ass off.

 

“I'm regretting everything,” Tsume says while filling a form to pass an amendment on the civilian tax for war relief.

“Why didn't I put myself on the Nope list?” Sakura asks the void while she writes a letter to the daimyō because they don't have the funds yet to give him a private squad for his New Year party's security.

 

Kakashi has moved into a house with Gai and refuses to hear anything about politics or the Hokage position in general, even for his student. Naruto and Sasuke are stubbornly staying in a coma. Tsunade is still laughing her ass off.

And Yamanaka Ino, heir of the Yamanaka Clan and T&I's second in command, is planning her courtship of the Nanadaime Hokage. The pink-haired, scary one, to be clear. Not the tattooed, terrifying one.

It goes something like this:

 

“Sakura, I have loved you since the day I scared of bullies for you. You are a formidable woman and I deeply respect you. I want to spend the rest of my short, miserable shinobi life with you because both are pays are scary good and you'll never get me pregnant, therefore my silhouette will never be ruined by another miserable kid who will get killed on the battlefield of the next Great Shinobi War Konoha ends up provoking because that's just our Luck. Please marry me. I have brought you flowers, chocolate and Uchiha Sasuke's head on a platter.”

 

Sakura opens her mouth, stares at the platter in front of her on which there is a picture of Sasuke and Naruto kissing at the Academy and a declaration signed by all of Konoha's citizens that her teammates are big, ol' gays and they should get on with it once they wake up, those lazy fucks. End quote.

 

“Now that I have presented you with my offering, please realize that Uchiha Sasuke sucks ass (or, more accurately, Naruto's cock) and that you should have loved me from the beginning. So, about that wedding?”

 

The good thing about being the Hokage, is that you're the captain of your own ship, so to speak. By which is of course meant that you are licensed to officiate weddings, what were you thinking?

Yamanaka Ino thus became Haruno Ino in the approximate forty-seven minutes it took them to fill in all the appropriate forms.

 


End file.
